Saturday, May 21, 2011

Household Maintenance

Sometimes it takes a maintenance spanking to remind me to keep up with household chores.



I like having a clean house where everything is in its place.  However, I also have a bad habit of setting something down where it does not belong in order to take care of it later.  Then I get distracted and I move on to something else before completing the first task.  I start a load of laundry and then forget about it until the next day.  I fill the dishwasher but still have dishes that need to wait until the next load so they don't get done until the next day after I remember to unload the dishwasher.  It is not that I am so forgetful that I can't remember what I am doing, I am busy with so many different projects at once that doing tasks that allow me to walk away from them for a period of time results in my forgetting what I was doing before I moved onto something else


Sometimes it only takes a verbal reminder or a question about a task that still needs completing.  Usually I can get back to a chore and complete it without needing anything further than a warning.  On occasion I put something off and do not heed the reminders in order to complete the task in a timely manner, especially in situations where it is out of mind once it it out of sight such as with laundry.


I have an understanding HOH who knows that I work to keep up with everything but sometimes life happens and I get distracted.  He also gets distracted by unexpected life events that need to be scheduled around.  We both do our best to keep up with everything that needs to be done.  That is why it is an extra burden on him to have to remind me what I should be doing when he has enough of his own things to keep up with on his own.  He does not seem to put off quite the same way I do either since he tends to do better when it comes to sticking with one job and finishing it before moving onto something else.


When life becomes unmanageable for me that is a pretty clear indication that a spanking is needed.  It helps me adjust my priorities and focus on what needs to be done to avoid another spanking.  This is when maintenance type spankings are helpful.  They are not as severe as punishment spankings but they serve as a reminder of what I will be in for if I do not meet the expectation that will allow me to avoid being punished.  Sometimes it might be a few swats with a cutting board that my husband insists looks like a paddle, LOL.  Other times it might be a bare bottom OTK hand spanking.  He might even bend me over the back of the couch to take care of business quickly and then we go on with our routine.  Maintenance spankings do both of us good because it is also brings out my submissive nature and his dominance.


I don't think I consciously test him to know if he is paying attention to what I do but it is good for me to know that what I do is important enough that he notices when I fail to do it.  So often the chores I do are not obvious unless they don't get done.  If there are a few dishes piled in the sink I would not get spanked for that but if there is a full dishwasher load and another full load of dishes in the sink that would be evidence that I have not been keeping up with the dishes.  When something gets to the point where I deserve a spanking, there is no question that my HOH is being fair and that it was ultimately my choice to be spanked when I had plenty of chances to avoid a spanking.  Instead of laying a guilt trip on me or playing mind games, he takes care of business and we both feel better afterwards.


I don't like being spanked so I try to do what I need to do because I need to do it anyway and it will allow me to avoid being spanked, but maintenance or reminder spankings are less severe than punishment spankings so they are not as painful and the physical effects are not as long lasting.  I prefer maintenance spankings to avoid punishment spankings so in that way I know that I have been able to get back on track before getting too far off track that I earn a punishment spanking. 


Ideally, I would remember to keep up with everything that is my responsibility as a wife and mother but the reality is that I sometimes put too much effort and energy into things that are not productive.  I may spend too much time online or I might not manage my time effectively.  I have never been able to stick with routines very well and yet being on a schedule would be helpful when it comes to keeping up with everything in a timely manner.  My husband does not want to micromanage my time and yet it may be helpful to set timelines for getting certain things done.  He sometimes asks me to do something and then when I put it off to a later time I forget about it.  I keep a schedule of activities outside of the home so I may need to start scheduling things that need to be done inside the home in a similar way.


I have found that accountability is important for me.  If I am not held accountable there is not the same motivation for doing what I need to do.  I can be self-disciplined in most areas of my life but there are some things I need help with because I lack the self-discipline necessary.  Being disciplined with corporal punishment helps me become better self-disciplined once I practice developing good habits because then it becomes habitual and I don't have to think so hard to remember what needs to be done.  I want to have a home that I can be proud of without messes that make me ashamed of my housekeeping skills so spanking has been a useful tool in our household.  I would much rather face the humiliation of a spanking with my HOH than to feel ashamed about having guests in our home.  When everything is in its place as it should be, we can all relax and enjoy our home and each other's company.  That is very rewarding for me, thanks to my HOH giving me the maintenance spankings that happen from time to time when the reward is not enough and I need some extra motivation.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Why Me?

Consequences help me change things that I want to change for my own self-improvement. 






I would not put on my seatbelt if there were not a threat of getting spanked for forgetting.  I would take my chances of getting a ticket or even getting killed because those inconsistent consequences lack the consistency that being spanked for not wearing my seatbelt has for me.  I would drive while talking on the phone or texting if it was not something I would be spanked for because the chances of it being a problem would seem minor in comparison.  I would speed because everyone else does it and the cops can't stop everyone so I would get away with it like everyone else.  Because I have been spanked, I know what a spanked bottom feels like and I would rather drive with my seatbelt on, my phone in my purse, and within the speed limit than to drive with a sore bottom, LOL.  Other drivers are also safer as a result of my safe driving because I don't want to be disciplined for not obeying the rules.



I am currently working on something with regard to my own behavior.  We have a friend that is what you might call a "slow thinker" and for someone like me who often has "racing thoughts" it can seem like a very long time waiting for him to think.  In addition, I tend to be somewhat impatient.  What happens is that I will completely dominate a conversation with him because he does not get his words out fast enough for me and after a pause I will start talking again.  My HOH has already told me that I do this, mainly when I am nervous and seem to have a need to feel in control of the conversation.  It is not something I have paid attention to about my own communication style but I am paying attention to it now.  As a teacher, I know the "10 second rule" so I usually try to allow people a full 10 seconds to gather their thoughts but outside of a learning environment I am apparently not as good at it. 


At this time I have not been spanked for doing this because we are in the discussion stage where he has told me about this problem and I have told him that I will work on it.  I know that if I am not mindful of this issue there is a good chance it will take a more meaningful reminder, which is a spanking for me.  When I was told about my behavior I accepted the reprimand and agreed that I needed to do better or I would accept a spanking. 



I am not spanked for something without knowing that it will be a consequence first so the things I get spanked for are things I have agreed to change and for some reason fail to do so with willpower alone.  I don't want to dominate a conversation and not allow another person to talk because I am too impatient to wait for him to form his words before he can speak them.  That is a rude trait I have developed and I want to change it.  I would not have been aware of it unless my HOH pointed it out to me because what I am doing is filling what I consider unbearably long silences in the conversation.


I could choose to continue doing this and being viewed as rude but I want to do better in this area instead.  My husband is going to try to give me a signal when I am doing it so I can be more aware of it and if that does not help enough he will spank me for it.  I would rather avoid the spanking but honestly if I am to be spanked for it I recognize that it gives me added incentive to remember that the long pauses are going to be less painful than the spanking so I will wait and allow this man to speak.  I will feel better about my manners and he will feel better that he has a chance to contribute to the conversation.  My HOH will be pleased that I have changed this annoying behavior and when I tell him that he does something that annoys me he will be more willing to change because he sees that I am making the effort to change for the benefit of our relationship.


If, however, I were to respond in a way that told my HOH that his observation is his personal opinion and that I have the right to say what I want when I want to say it without caring how it affects him or this friend of his, my refusal to work on the issue would cause him to not want to have me around him when he is with friends because he would not want them thinking my rudeness is a reflection of him.  If I am doing the same thing with him and dominating conversations with him, he would not want to get into discussions with me at all and instead would become silent when I wanted to talk with him.  If I were to ask him to do something for me, it is more likely he would refuse because he would not feel I was being considerate of him and he therefore has no reason to consider changing something I have asked him to change.  I have seen this passive aggressive behavior in so many failed marriages that I don't want it to happen in mine.


I see this question come up repeatedly: Why am I spanked while he is not spanked?  The simple answer for me is because I submit to his authority.  I have agreed that he is the disciplinarian and I will submit to the authority I have given him as a result of my trust in his fairness.  I am okay with answering to a higher authority because I do it all the time in life and life is not always fair.  I trust him to be fair with me while also understanding that he will be as fair as humanly possible and therefore he has the potential to make mistakes too.  I am spanked for things I already know I am responsible for or for things I have been warned will earn me a spanking.  I know that he spanks me out of love and concern for my wellbeing, not for sadistic reasons that involve a personal enjoyment in my suffering.  The reason I am spanked is because my behavior is more hurtful than the spanking itself.



In cases of "misbehavior" I recognize that I personally need consequences to motivate me.  I am far better at making excuses to myself for why I did not do what needed to be done or why I did what I did but ultimately I end up disappointed in myself when I don't meet my own expectations.  He would never hold me to a higher standard than I expect from myself so it comes as no surprise that his disappointment mirrors my own.  What he does is to provide punishment as a motivator in a much healthier way than I would choose to punish myself.  When the spanking is over I get to start with a clean slate, something I would not allow myself because I would continue to hold past errors against
myself.   I know the spanking is going to hurt but I feel so much better afterwards because of this cleansing effect.



The way spanking helps me maintain a connection is through a submissive dependence on him that I sometimes resist with my more dominant independent nature.  Rather than telling him "so what, get over it" with my words or actions, I communicate to him that our relationship is important enough to work on, even when it is hard.  An attitude of "I'm sorry, please forgive me" does more to repair a relationship than an attitude of "I don't care what you think or feel because I am only concerned with what I think and feel."  


I don't always know when my behavior is hurtful because it is never my intent to hurt others so I need to hear how my behavior comes across to others so I can understand it from their viewpoint.  For example, my being late may be an issue of time management to me but to the person waiting for me it may seem more like an issue of disrespect.  Knowing that it is important to the other person that I am on time helps me make an extra effort to manage my time better so I am on time.  If I fail to manage my time properly and it comes across as disrespect, then I accept that I will be spanked for being late, no matter how easily I can justify my being late as no big deal, because it is a big deal to the other person.   Being spanked for being late helps set the message that being on time is important, no matter what the reason, and I will be more punctual in the future or suffer the consequences without argument, LOL.


So what if it is his problem and not mine?  When I am making an effort to make the relationship work, he can't help but do the same.  He could spank me for behavior he is also guilty of but then the lecture during the spanking would relate to him as well and he would have to take ownership for his own behavior as a way of setting an example.  For example, there are cases where a parent disciplines a child for something such as swearing while realizing that their own language may be to blame so they clean up their own choice of words as a means of setting a better example.  I am not a child but I still benefit from positive examples to follow.  In fact, it is his responsibility as an authority figure to make sure he is following the same "rules" I am to be held accountable for in the relationship and that keeps him accountable to me, even though he is not the one going across my knee for a spanking.



Another important reason I am spanked by him and not the other way around is because he is a spanker and I am not.  I cried when I had to spank my daughter for lying but it had to be done because if I had not spanked her for lying, as I told her I would, then I would be a liar myself.  I would prefer to leave the spanking to him because I am not suited to acting as a disciplinarian.  My daughter knows I have been spanked, even though she is not aware at the time I am being spanked for something.  I have just as much opportunity to avoid being spanked as she does by being the kind of person that I want to be.  


In my home there is a Christian context to obedience but it is not necessary in all relationships where domestic discipline is practiced.  I submit to male authority (as the HOH) because it feels natural and right to us both, but we also believe it is what God commands when describing how men and women should relate to each other.


Quite honestly, although I am the submissive one, I am more in charge of whether or not I will be spanked than he is because I am responsible for my behavior.  He can set limits and enforce consequences but it is up to me whether or not I will need to be spanked as a means of discipline.  For me a spanking is never without warning and often I get a second chance at avoiding a spanking if what I am doing is likely to result in my getting spanked.  On the occasions when I am spanked, it is just a small part of our overall relationship dynamics.


So, the answer to the "why me?" question is basically "because that is how it is!" and it works just fine that way.  ;)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Attitude

An integral part of being spanked is my acceptance and consent followed by a submissive attitude. 



My husband is not going to drag me kicking and screaming into a spanking because I have agreed to submit when a spanking becomes necessary to enforce consequences.  He needs me to trust him to deliver the spanking in a loving way and, because we love each other and want the best for each other, I trust him to be gentle with me while at the same time he needs to be firm.  I am not spanked for something without knowing that it will be a consequence first so the things I get spanked for are things I have agreed to change and for some reason fail to do so with willpower alone. 


In all honestly, I need consequences in order to help me change things that I want to change when requests and reminders fail.  Having the "threat" of a spanking seems to improve my memory and efforts significantly because I was raised with corporal punishment and I respond to it in a positive way (even though I was also abused as a child).  Of course I can just do what I need to do and never get spanked. 


I view spanking as punishment, which I don't like, with an additional benefit that it is a way of keeping the connection with my husband rather than having him sulk and withdraw, as a means of letting me know he is not pleased with something I have said or done while I am left trying to figure out exactly what it was I said or did.  Although I don't actually like being spanked, what I do like about a TIH (Taken In Hand) relationship is the male dominance within the context of a trusting relationship. Sometimes my lack of self-control can be overcome with my husband's control and we both benefit.  After a spanking I end up feeling closer to him because he is so loving and he cares about me so much.  Sometimes it is confusing how something that hurts so much can also feel so good at the same time, although the good feelings actually come after the physical pain has subsided somewhat.


In the past, I have been terrified of giving up control so the idea of submission has not come easy for me.  Since I had an abusive childhood, I sometimes wonder why I would even consider submitting to spankings as an adult when I have a choice in the matter.  I don't know if it is because of the abuse or in spite of the abuse that I feel a need for discipline as an adult.  I think it takes being physically dominated, as happens during a spanking, for me to be able to submit to my husband in other ways as well, due to my rebellious streak.  My father used to beat me into submission while my husband allows me to submit by choice.  I always hated my father for his excessive use of force while I don't have bad feelings towards my husband at all (then again, spankings are pretty mild compared to the beatings my father gave me while in a blind rage).  My father and my husband are so different that I relate to them in very different ways.  I don't necessarily see myself as repeating my past relationship with my father by submitting to physical punishment delivered by my husband but I do wonder if I would be as responsive to being spanked if I had not experienced corporal punishment growing up.


For me, corporal punishment is preferred because it is over and done with in a short time (with bruising making a more lasting impression that fades over time).  Because my husband was not spanked as a child, he understands how long term punishments reinforce a negative attitude rather than promoting a more positive attitude and for him it is all about adjusting an unacceptable attitude.  Spanking is the most effective attitude adjustment for me!  


I understand my need for consequences when I lack self-discipline, which is always my primary option over being punished. It is only when self-discipline fails that I am disciplined with a spanking.  I don't think it is difficult to grasp the concept of adult women being punished, and spanking as a means of punishment is not hard for women to understand when they are also spanked. It is those who are not spanked who have the most difficulty understanding the concept!