During our OTK discussion the other night (I still have some lingering bruising) I recall my husband saying something to the effect of "we don't need any more video games" and I agreed wholeheartedly. I certainly don't need to go looking for ways to spend money we don't have! As my bottom was burning, I was most agreeable and his words made complete sense at the time and under the circumstances.
Now, the problem is that I had inquired about some video games prior to that spanking and it turned out that the 5 Wii games I had asked about earlier in the week were still available. The person selling the game bundle sent me a message on Sunday offering me the 5 games I wanted from the bundle for only $25, which was the used cost of just one game on the list. Surely my husband's comment was in reference to the $100 I spent on the DS with games and not that I was never to buy any more games. At least that is what I am choosing to believe he meant by his comment because I ended up buying the games with money I had from tutoring and from money my daughter earned over the weekend.
I had some errands I needed to do today but because I drove to pick up the games and checked out a few Goodwill stores en route, I ran short of time to complete them all before my husband got home. To be honest, there were things on my to do list that I had already decided that I needed to do today and then there were things he added to my list for me to do and it was the things he asked me to do that were not done before he got home from work. He did not specifically state that they needed to be done by a certain time (or even a certain day) and I did get everything done today, just not as early in the day as he expected.
Well, there was one thing that did not get done and by the time he reminded me it was too late. My husband sent me a text message stating that it was a steak and potatoes day since he was doing hard physical work. When I read his message I immediately thought to take some steaks out of the freezer to thaw them out for dinner. Unfortunately some other thought must have entered my mind before I made it to the kitchen because I left to run errands without taking out the steaks first. By the time I got home again it was too late for the steaks to thaw and, since I had also put off getting toilet paper until we were completely out, we ended up going out together to pick it up and pick up some other essential things at the same time. Because we were out and the steaks were still in the freezer, my husband grabbed some fast food to curb his hunger pains and when we got home I pulled out the steaks to thaw for tomorrow instead. I dared suggest that he should have taken the steaks out in the morning before he left for work but he took my comment in the playful spirit in which it was intended and only bent me over the arm of the couch for a few smacks on the seat of my jeans, LOL.
I don't know if my husband is upset and angry at me for not getting errands done earlier in the day but I decided not to mention the trip for the video games and the trips to Goodwill that I had managed to accomplish. I did show him a toolbox I found for him at Goodwill and he was as excited about it as I was but he did not ask me what else I got and I did not volunteer any further information. I am thinking that because I had the money and did not use money he deposited into the bank account for bills I shouldn't be in trouble for spending the money today but it is his comment about not needing any more video games that has me a bit worried.
Because he has gone to bed and I am still up worrying, I won't have an opportunity to talk to him about it until tomorrow and that certainly is not the way to say "Happy Valentine's Day" so I might neglect to mention it. It is not lying to keep the truth to myself and yet it tends to weigh on me when I am concerned that I may have made another unnecessary purchase instead of spending the money more wisely. I was supposed to sort through the bills over the weekend and make bill payments today but that chore has moved to my list for tomorrow because if I start going through bills now I will never get to sleep.
Thankfully I am a bargain shopper because a $20 spending spree is far easier to recover from than a $200 spending spree! As long as we have enough money to pay the bills it shouldn't be a problem that I spent money on video games, even though they are not a necessary purchase like toilet paper. I think that what is bothering me now is that it feels as if I am being dishonest by keeping information from the person who most deserves my honesty. The thought that my husband might spank me for it does not worry me as much as the feeling that I have done something wrong and shameful. Guilt is a terrible stressor for me.
What I want most is for my husband to love me and want to be with me. I want him to have confidence in me and find me trustworthy. Perhaps the issue is that I am worried that I can't be trusted when I do things that are wrong or feel dishonest somehow. I don't want to feel shame about the choices I make because I want more than anything to be a good person. One of the wonderful things about being in a Domestic Discipline relationship is that I don't have to wonder what sort of passive aggressive games my HOH is playing because if he has an issue with something I have done he will make his disapproval known so I don't have to wonder what he is thinking. The only way for him to be direct with me is for me to be direct with him and to trust him enough to be completely open with him, especially when I am in doubt about something I have done.
So, I am not sure how I will bring up the video game purchase but I do know that I will need to come clean and tell him or I won't be able to live with the deception. He may be upset with me or he may not be upset with me but unless I tell him I won't ever know and it is the wondering that makes me crazy and keeps me awake at night. Maybe I will wait until after he finds the heart shaped chocolate cake in his lunchbox and I can tell him how much I love him. ;)