Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Technically Speaking

During our OTK discussion the other night (I still have some lingering bruising) I recall my husband saying something to the effect of  "we don't need any more video games" and I agreed wholeheartedly.  I certainly don't need to go looking for ways to spend money we don't have!  As my bottom was burning, I was most agreeable and his words made complete sense at the time and under the circumstances.

Now, the problem is that I had inquired about some video games prior to that spanking and it turned out that the 5 Wii games I had asked about earlier in the week were still available.  The person selling the game bundle sent me a message on Sunday offering me the 5 games I wanted from the bundle for only $25, which was the used cost of just one game on the list.  Surely my husband's comment was in reference to the $100 I spent on the DS with games and not that I was never to buy any more games.  At least that is what I am choosing to believe he meant by his comment because I ended up buying the games with money I had from tutoring and from money my daughter earned over the weekend.

I had some errands I needed to do today but because I drove to pick up the games and checked out a few Goodwill stores en route, I ran short of time to complete them all before my husband got home.  To be honest, there were things on my to do list that I had already decided that I needed to do today and then there were things he added to my list for me to do and it was the things he asked me to do that were not done before he got home from work.  He did not specifically state that they needed to be done by a certain time (or even a certain day) and I did get everything done today, just not as early in the day as he expected. 

Well, there was one thing that did not get done and by the time he reminded me it was too late.  My husband sent me a text message stating that it was a steak and potatoes day since he was doing hard physical work.  When I read his message I immediately thought to take some steaks out of the freezer to thaw them out for dinner.  Unfortunately some other thought must have entered my mind before I made it to the kitchen because I left to run errands without taking out the steaks first.  By the time I got home again it was too late for the steaks to thaw and, since I had also put off getting toilet paper until we were completely out, we ended up going out together to pick it up and pick up some other essential things at the same time.  Because we were out and the steaks were still in the freezer, my husband grabbed some fast food to curb his hunger pains and when we got home I pulled out the steaks to thaw for tomorrow instead.  I dared suggest that he should have taken the steaks out in the morning before he left for work but he took my comment in the playful spirit in which it was intended and only bent me over the arm of the couch for a few smacks on the seat of my jeans, LOL.

I don't know if my husband is upset and angry at me for not getting errands done earlier in the day but I decided not to mention the trip for the video games and the trips to Goodwill that I had managed to accomplish.  I did show him a toolbox I found for him at Goodwill and he was as excited about it as I was but he did not ask me what else I got and I did not volunteer any further information.  I am thinking that because I had the money and did not use money he deposited into the bank account for bills I shouldn't be in trouble for spending the money today but it is his comment about not needing any more video games that has me a bit worried. 

Because he has gone to bed and I am still up worrying, I won't have an opportunity to talk to him about it until tomorrow and that certainly is not the way to say "Happy Valentine's Day" so I might neglect to mention it.  It is not lying to keep the truth to myself and yet it tends to weigh on me when I am concerned that I may have made another unnecessary purchase instead of spending the money more wisely.  I was supposed to sort through the bills over the weekend and make bill payments today but that chore has moved to my list for tomorrow because if I start going through bills now I will never get to sleep.

Thankfully I am a bargain shopper because a $20 spending spree is far easier to recover from than a $200 spending spree!  As long as we have enough money to pay the bills it shouldn't be a problem that I spent money on video games, even though they are not a necessary purchase like toilet paper.  I think that what is bothering me now is that it feels as if I am being dishonest by keeping information from the person who most deserves my honesty.  The thought that my husband might spank me for it does not worry me as much as the feeling that I have done something wrong and shameful.  Guilt is a terrible stressor for me.

What I want most is for my husband to love me and want to be with me.  I want him to have confidence in me and find me trustworthy.  Perhaps the issue is that I am worried that I can't be trusted when I do things that are wrong or feel dishonest somehow.  I don't want to feel shame about the choices I make because I want more than anything to be a good person.  One of the wonderful things about being in a Domestic Discipline relationship is that I don't have to wonder what sort of passive aggressive games my HOH is playing because if he has an issue with something I have done he will make his disapproval known so I don't have to wonder what he is thinking.  The only way for him to be direct with me is for me to be direct with him and to trust him enough to be completely open with him, especially when I am in doubt about something I have done.

So, I am not sure how I will bring up the video game purchase but I do know that I will need to come clean and tell him or I won't be able to live with the deception.  He may be upset with me or he may not be upset with me but unless I tell him I won't ever know and it is the wondering that makes me crazy and keeps me awake at night.  Maybe I will wait until after he finds the heart shaped chocolate cake in his lunchbox and I can tell him how much I love him.  ;)

Friday, February 10, 2012

Bargains Are Not In My Budget!

I have been distracted by life events so this is my first post for the new year.  I have some catching up to do with comments that I just moderated (unless a comment is disrespectful I post it but I have my settings set up to prevent people from posting rude comments that are not helpful to me or anyone else) so I will be getting to those as I have the chance to respond.  My husband insisted that I post today and that I make an effort to post weekly because it seems I have a way with words that allows me to express things other people may be thinking but are not able to put into words the same way.  I tend to think of my thoughts as being private and not something to share but the fact that I have over 20 followers to my blog would indicate that there are other people who want to know my thoughts.  My fifth grade teacher told me I should be a writer but I am sure she had no idea I would be using my writing skills to write a spanking blog one day!  LOL  I have been told I should write a book so maybe I will start by writing spanking stories someday so I can use my talent for an income, if there is a market for spanking stories the way there is an interest in spanking blogs.

We got a Wii for Christmas now that the price has come down, which usually happens when new technology comes out to replace older technology.  We have wanted to buy a Wii since they first came out but with the cost of the system and then the added cost of the games, it was not something we could afford so we continued with our older game systems and put off buying a Wii until the price was more affordable.  As a result, I was able to buy a couple of used Wii systems with game bundles on Craig's List and then sell the extra Wii for more games so we already have a game system with a huge number of accessories and a game library of 50+ games, all for about $250.  I am a bargain shopper so I love getting a good deal on things we would not otherwise be able to afford.

Another place for bargains is FreeCycle and I was able to get two non-working DS Lite game systems for free so I figured I would take them apart and fix them myself to get a working one.  I spoke to someone about what could be wrong with them and I watched tutorials on YouTube to learn how to take the systems apart.  I grabbed the set of precision screwdrivers and went to work, only to discover that special tools are required.  Not one to give up easily, I searched Craig's List to find out what it would cost to have someone with the necessary tools fix one DS with parts from other other and in the process I found a DS Lite with 11 games and accessories for $100.  Considering that the cost of the used games alone made the bundle worth buying, I made the decision to spend $100 from our bill budget with the thought that I would sell something to make up the difference and not have to discuss the purchase with my husband.  I knew this bargain was going to go fast and I am a bit impulsive already when it comes to decision making so I withdrew the money from the bank and bought it without a word about it to my husband.

All seemed well until I went to transfer money to pay the mortgage and ended up $.09 short.  Yes, I was less than a dime away from making the house payment but the bank would have kicked in an overdraft fee to cover it and that would have thrown my budget off even more.  I knew I needed to deposit money into the account to make up for the money I spent but I thought I had the mortgage payment covered.  Apparently a few trips to Goodwill on a Saturday afternoon also contributed to blowing my budget so I was short more than I had figured.  I knew I could come up with a dime to deposit in the account in time for the mortgage payment to clear and avoid the overdraft fee but then I discovered that two other bills were also due and I needed to come up with the money to cover them fast because I had spent the bill money on a luxury item instead.  I stayed up all night wondering what to do to solve the problem I got myself into and worrying that I might need to confide in my husband for help.

It is not unusual for me to have sleepless nights when I am trying to come up with a solution to a problem.  It seems my life is on hold until I fix the problem and I can't fall asleep while thinking through my options.  It just so happened that I needed to take my husband to work in the morning so I could use the car during the day and he asked me why I had not slept.  I don't know how I thought I could get away with spending money from the bill budget and replacing it without him being any wiser because I have a terrible guilty conscience and he can always tell when something is wrong.  I also can't lie when confronted with questions, especially if the questions are direct enough that a half truth does not put off further questions.  Naturally I admitted what I had done, knowing I would be in trouble.

When I am in trouble it is always fair and right so there is no question that I deserve to be punished.  Quite often my husband gives me the benefit of taking other factors into consideration so he is very merciful and not quick to spank for anything other than willful disobedience.  This was very much a situation where I knew that I had done something wrong and I had intended to keep him from knowing the truth about what I had done.  The dishonesty was bad enough but I also violated his trust by spending money on something other than what he was trusting me to spend the money on when his paycheck was deposited in the bank account.  We were already short financially this month because he had to take off four days for a required class and another four days during a storm that had roads closed between our home and his work (no one else could make it in either so there would not have been any work if he had been able to make the drive) so our budget did not have any room for surplus spending this month.  As exciting as it is to get a bargain on something, it is not an option when the money needs to go to essentials.  I know this logically but somehow I was not thinking logically when I made the decision to spend $100 plus gas money without talking to my husband about it first.  He does not seem to lose the ability to think rationally like I do so it is usually best to discuss such things and get his approval because then if it ends up being a mistake he owns it and not me.

When I am going to get a spanking, I don't want time to think about it for too long because the anticipation causes me to become too nervous and my mind works overtime trying to figure out a way to get out of it.  Because we needed to leave so my husband could get to work on time, the spanking was put off until after work.  Then after work there were other things that needed to be taken care of and before he could catch up with me I had managed to lie down and fall asleep.  The sleep deprivation had caught up with me and the stress of anticipation along with the stress of getting other things accomplished had pushed me to my limit physically so I was getting dizzy and thought I would lie down to regain my balance.  The next thing I knew my husband was going to bed ("early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and wise" or at least it is necessary for him to make a living in his line of work) and I had to leave for choir rehearsal so the spanking was put off for another day.  Somewhere in my mind I was relieved that there was a chance that by the next day he would forget and I would get out of the spanking but that did not happen.

When it was time for my spanking I put it off for as long as possible but when my husband says "come here" there is no way out at that point.  He does not spank in anger and he is always fair so I am not afraid of being spanked, I just don't want to have to go through with it.  I know that if I were not spanked for misbehavior there would be no limit to the trouble I would get myself in because I am the kind of person who needs to have limits set and enforced for me to be my best.  Without consequences or with the ability to get away with avoiding consequences my life becomes unmanageable.  For me, corporal punishment has always worked while other forms of behavior modification allow me to think my way around taking accountability for my actions.  It is very important for my moral development that I am held accountable for willful disobedience because I sometimes lack the self discipline to keep myself from making hurtful choices.  Although I don't like being spanked, I desperately need to be spanked for my own good.  I know this in my head and in my heart but my body is sometimes reluctant to submit to a spanking when I know it is going to hurt.

My husband spanked me harder and longer than usual so it was definitely uncomfortable.  He only used his hand but his huge carpenter's hands are so hard that he can have as much impact with an open hand as with a paddle, especially when he uses full force.  He tends to hold back a bit with a paddle because he does not have to strike as hard but his intent was to spank me hard and that is exactly what he did.  My bottom hurt and it was overwhelming in the moment but the physical pain resides before the emotional pain subsides.  For me the physical pain is needed for me to forgive myself and move on because otherwise I tend to use self-punishment that is far more detrimental to my overall well being.  Once the spanking is over, the offense is forgiven and there will be no grudges as we move forward.  I learn from my mistake and the spanking lasts as a reminder of the consequence of my irresponsible choice.  It keeps me from making myself crazy wanting to go back and fix something that is done because the price is paid and there is no need to make further amends.  If my mind tries to convince me to repeat the mistake, my body will protest.

After I am spanked to tears, my husband holds me and tells me how much he loves me.  He did give me a stern lecture after spanking me almost to tears and then he put me back over his knee and spanked me to tears.  When the spanking is over he is no longer stern with me and I am forgiven.  It is completely up to him to decide how hard and how long I am to be spanked while I submit to his judgment.  In the moment I don't think I can take any more and I just want the spanking to end but the sting fades pretty quickly once it is over.  There may be some bruising and soreness afterwards but it is nothing compared to the time spent over his knee getting the full impact of his hand on my bare bottom.  There is no warm-up and it is painful, but it is the pain that reaches my inner being more effectively than words.  It is hard to describe just how cleansing a spanking is to those who have not experienced it. 

I am not what some would call a "pain slut" because spanking is not erotic for me.  There are playful "spankings" that are like love pats and might be a form of sexual foreplay (especially when there is also rubbing between swats) but discipline spankings are not sexual in any way.  There is such a huge difference that it amazes me that people can confuse the two.  A playful "spanking" is like oral sex because it can stimulate blood flow to the genitals while a discipline spanking creates such overwhelming sensations that it is as sexually unstimulating as if someone were attempting to remove the genitals with their teeth instead of teasing them with their tongue.  It is the difference between "don't stop, that feels good" and "STOP, that hurts!" with a playful "spanking" causing increased desire and a discipline spanking causing immediate remorse.  My husband enjoys looking at my bottom and he likes giving it a light smack from time to time and I enjoy it when he does that but there is nothing pleasant about a discipline spanking other than a means to reach a state of remorse and forgiveness for a real transgression. 

The spanking I got last night is not something I would want to repeat so it has effectively changed my behavior for the better.  I will not be spending bill money on anything other than bills!  I am certain it will not be my last spanking ever because I am human and prone to making mistakes, but I know for certain that if I were to make the same mistake I have already been spanked for I would be spanked even longer and harder to make sure the message gets through.  One spanking is usually all it takes for me to change my ways.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Busted Again!

I am in for another spanking today after having been spanked Monday for neglecting a load of laundry in the washing machine over the weekend.  I did not realize that I was so sidetracked this week.

I woke up early this morning to take my husband to work since I need the car today and our second vehicle needs repairs before it can be driven safely. Before we left at 4:30 this morning he had posted to his blog so I got an update as a follower.  His words caused me to think I may have neglected to do something I was supposed to do so I hurried and made a bill payment that I was supposed to have made yesterday but put off doing right away. 

Then when I looked around the kitchen it became clear that I was probably in trouble for the state it was in.  I noticed that the pizza pan we used Friday night was still waiting to be washed by hand and put away.  The grill I used on Saturday was still on the stovetop needing to be washed and put away.  There were dishes in the sink since I had washed a load of dishes but I had not put them away yet.  We ate out last night since I had a doctor's appointment and my husband was starving by the time he picked me up afterwards so the dishes in the sink were from the night before when I had heated up leftovers before going to a Christmas party with a group from church.  If I leave dishes overnight they are usually done the next morning but I neglected to take care of them yesterday.  As much as I hate to admit it, the laundry that had stayed in the dryer over the weekend is still in the dryer waiting to be folded and put away.  It is my responsibility to keep up with the household chores and I quite obviously failed so I correctly assumed that I was going to be held accountable. 

It was not until I had dropped my husband off for work and returned home safely that I dared to ask him in a text message if I was going to be spanked because we both know that I don't handle the apprehension well.  I texted "Looking around at what I have failed to do I am pretty certain I have a spanking coming.  You might as well tell me if I am going to be spanked because I am already stressed out with the apprehension anyway."  He texted back "You do have a good spanking coming and that's what you'll be getting!"  Unfortunately the delay in getting it over with keeps me too focused on the negative feelings of remorse and regret as I punish myself mentally.  If I were over his knee now I would probably be brought to tears quickly and it would be over with so I could focus on other things.  Instead I will spend the day beating myself up for failing to live up to a standard I expect from myself as a wife and mother.

I have shared with my husband that I want and need his leadership because I fail to do what I need to do when it seems unimportant.  When he notices the things that are not done as they should be it helps me to see those tasks as important.  I don't know how I managed to overlook the things I should have done.

My husband puts in full days at work while I stay at home being lazy.  I have plenty of time to keep up with a few simple chores to avoid negative consequences and yet I procrastinate and do not manage my time well.  I am ashamed at my lack of responsibility because I want to be a better wife and mother.  I appreciate my husband for holding me accountable because I clearly lack the self-discipline to do it on my own.  At the same time, if he asks me if I want a spanking I will say no and try to negotiate my way out of it (often by making excuses and trying to get him to share the blame)!  I want to be spanked when I deserve it but I would prefer to do what I need to do so I won't earn a spanking.

Being spanked is painful and at the same time it is freeing.  The guilt I feel from the realization that I have not done what should have been done causes mental anguish that needs an outlet for release so it does not linger and cause anxiety, depression or other more longterm consequences.  Once I have been spanked for something I will have a clean slate so I can begin again without my husband holding grudges against me or using passive aggressive means to point out my shortcomings. Repeat offenses do result in more severe consequences such as a longer hand spanking or the use of an implement to make it more memorable but still, once the spanking is over all is forgiven and I know I am loved.  Perhaps it is childish to feel loved and cared for in this way as an adult but when my "inner child" needs are neglected it hurts me as an adult.

I am naturally prone to surrounding myself with chaos.  Some people have a hard time with change while I have a hard time with the boredom of repetition.  I need things to be predictable and stable in order to balance the chaos I create in my life and fortunately my husband provides a shelter in the storm.  He loves me for who I am but he also sees how quickly I fall apart when things become too unmanageable and overwhelming.  I am so thankful that he takes control when I allow things to get out of control.  I am also grateful that he knows how to handle a redheaded Leo like myself, LOL.  Not all men would be up to the challenge!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Laundry Lapsed!

I sometimes get distracted and lack the necessary follow-through on basic household chores.  My husband has given me reminders when I have walked away from a task and failed to return to it for several days and yet sometimes I continue to get side tracked and end up spanked.

Laundry is one of those things that has a start and a finish but it does not require my undivided attention since I am not going to stand around and watch a load wash (even though the washer would allow me to do that since it has a glass door on the front) and I am not going to wait for the dryer to complete its cycle.  The trick is in the timing.  I put in a load of wash, return to put it in the dryer, and return once more to remove the clothes to be folded and put away.  Often the clothes end up on the bed briefly because I walk away from them and return a short time later to put them away because I need to put the load from the washer into the dryer and then start a new load in the washing machine.  Laundry can take all day to complete but I am doing other things at the same time while the machines do the work.  My difficulty is in remembering that I am doing laundry when I am also busy doing other things.

There have been occasions when I have walked away from a load of clothes on the bed and not made it back right away to finish the job of folding them and putting them away.  Usually I will return at a later time, see the laundry pile, and take care of it before the wrinkles set in too badly.  Sometimes I don't get to the load in the dryer right away and I have to set it on a tumble press cycle to work out the wrinkles that have set while the clothes were sitting in the dryer.  On occasion it has taken a day or more to return to the load because, unlike a pile on the bed, it is out of sight and out of mind.  I typically realize that there is a missing load when someone runs out of socks or underwear and they can easily be retrieved from the dryer because wrinkles are not an issue with undergarments such as socks and underwear.

The real problem is forgetting about a load of wash for a few days because it slipped my mind and I did not notice the clothes stuck to the sides after a spin cycle, even though a keen observer can see them through the glass door on the front of the washer.  When I forget a load of wash for a few days, the result is foul smelling laundry that needs a repeat wash (which unfortunately uses more soap, water, and electricity than necessary).  Somehow my husband has an eye for laundry that I do not have.

Not long ago I left a load of wash in the washer long enough to cause a stink and I was warned that if it continued to happen I would be spanked.  I agreed because I am aware that it is a problem for me and something I need to correct.  Unfortunately I did not figure out a solution to the problem and it happened again.

I am not sure what day last week I decided to do laundry but what I am sure about is that a load was still in the washer today when my husband came home from work and I had not done laundry today.  When he asks questions that do not seem to require a specific answer I can get often away with being vague and sometimes that works.  For example, he may ask, "how long has that load of laundry been in the washer?" and I may answer, "not long" and he will accept that for an answer.  Not today!  My error may have been that I had not even realized that there was anything in the washer because it had been last week since I did laundry.  Somehow, "huh, what laundry?" is not an acceptable answer to the question when I have already been given a fair number of warnings.

So, I had a spanking coming but because my husband did not put me over his knee right then and there, I thought I was going to get away with another warning.  I added soap and ran the washer, then walked away from it and continued working on other things.  I checked my e-mail and to my surprise my husband had posted on his blog that his wife would be spanked soon!  I am a follower on his blog so I get updates everytime he posts and there have been times I wondered if I was due for a spanking based on something he posted.  This left little room for doubt that he intended to spank me even though he had not done so right away.  I don't do well with the anticipation of a spanking and he knows it.  Still, he sometimes tells me I am going to be spanked without actually spanking me then and there.

I know some women actually enjoy the emotional tension that accompanies the anticipation of a spanking but not me.  If I had access to pain killers that I could take prior to a spanking it might be good to know it was coming but since I don't have a prescription for narcotics it does me no good to wait for the moment to come when I will be feeling painful sensations across my bare bottom.  When I am spanked I really prefer to have it happen immediately because then it is over with before I have a chance to try thinking my way out of it.

The "lecture" part of a spanking has to happen before my mind can attempt to process the situation from an innocent standpoint rather than a guilty one, and the physical part needs to follow for it to have the intended impact.  The more time there is between a behavior and consequence, the more time I have to justify the behavior instead of the consequence.

My husband is fair so when he decides to spank me it is because I need a spanking.  I accept the spanking because I trust him to be fair.  I don't question his authority over me unless he gives me the opportunity to question him.  When my husband says he is going to spank me but then there is a lapse of time between the words and his action, I take that to mean that there is a chance he will change his mind or that I can change his mind for him.  He may be unaware that this is how my mind works under the circumstances but I have often had people tell me they will do something and they don't follow through, leaving me to doubt that they mean what they say.  My husband has on occasion made references to wanting to spank me for something that he didn't spank me for so perhaps that has led me to believe that there is an opportunity for negotiation when it comes to his decision to spank me.  Whatever the reason, the fact is that the more time I have between being told I will be spanked and the actual spanking, the more likely I will recover from the instant feeling of remorse and end up with a more defiant attitude that is harder to break through.

Another thing that I have difficulty with is combining discipline with sex.  For me, sexual contact with my husband is about me wanting to please him and wanting him to be pleased with me.  I do not find spankings erotic or pleasurable but I do find sex to be pleasurable.  It is difficult for me to transition from the acceptance that I have done wrong and deserve to be spanked as a result of my behavior to then having sexual desires.  I am available to my husband sexually whenever he has a sexual desire for me and yet spankings and sex don't mix as well for me as they do for him.  He may be aroused when spanking me because he thinks I have a beautiful bottom and his spanking me is a loving gesture but my mind has a hard time mixing pain and pleasure the way some people do.

When I am truly ashamed for disappointing my husband it is hard to feel desirable at the same time, even if he finds me desirable.  I know he likes the appearance of my bottom when it has been spanked and I want to please him sexually but a spanking is not in the same category as erotic foreplay in my mind.  I am not sure how to get my mind to be more cooperative in this area.  I am most definitely sexually submissive and prefer a sexually dominant partner so I want my husband to take the lead in the bedroom.  I don't mind having sex immediately following a spanking but I personally would prefer the spanking and sex to be separate as much as possible with more sex than spankings.

My husband has made comments that I should be spanked more than I am and I know that he lets me off at times when a spanking is deserved.  It is possible I would do a better job keeping up with this blog if I were spanked more frequently because it gives me something to write about, LOL.  He asked me earlier if I was testing his resolve and I don't think that is the case.  I want to be an obedient wife and yet I know that my strong personality has the potential to create powers struggles if I were to choose to be rebellious against my husband's authority in our relationship.  Fortunately my husband would spank me rather than allow that to happen to our relationship.

It is not the spankings I like, rather I like the fact that he will put me over his knee and spank me when it is for my own good.  It is not only my thinking that I can say or do something to convince my husband that I have learned my lesson without his enforcing the message in my brain with a physical reminder, it is the thinking that I can manipulate time in order to change the behavior that got me into trouble.  By the time I am over his knee with my pants down, my mind has already corrected the problem by going back in time and avoiding the mistake that led to the punishment.  In addition, my brain comes up with every justification imaginable so that instead of getting caught and being accountable right away, I manage to deflect the blame onto an entirely different set of circumstances.  In the case of the laundry, I actually came up with the idea that my husband had put the clothes in the washer and left them there instead of me so I was being unjustly punished for his amusement!  Of course that was nowhere near the truth but it is an example of how desperately I will seek to remove myself from the consequences of my own behavior if given enough time to think my way out of an upcoming spanking.