During our OTK discussion the other night (I still have some lingering bruising) I recall my husband saying something to the effect of "we don't need any more video games" and I agreed wholeheartedly. I certainly don't need to go looking for ways to spend money we don't have! As my bottom was burning, I was most agreeable and his words made complete sense at the time and under the circumstances.
Now, the problem is that I had inquired about some video games prior to that spanking and it turned out that the 5 Wii games I had asked about earlier in the week were still available. The person selling the game bundle sent me a message on Sunday offering me the 5 games I wanted from the bundle for only $25, which was the used cost of just one game on the list. Surely my husband's comment was in reference to the $100 I spent on the DS with games and not that I was never to buy any more games. At least that is what I am choosing to believe he meant by his comment because I ended up buying the games with money I had from tutoring and from money my daughter earned over the weekend.
I had some errands I needed to do today but because I drove to pick up the games and checked out a few Goodwill stores en route, I ran short of time to complete them all before my husband got home. To be honest, there were things on my to do list that I had already decided that I needed to do today and then there were things he added to my list for me to do and it was the things he asked me to do that were not done before he got home from work. He did not specifically state that they needed to be done by a certain time (or even a certain day) and I did get everything done today, just not as early in the day as he expected.
Well, there was one thing that did not get done and by the time he reminded me it was too late. My husband sent me a text message stating that it was a steak and potatoes day since he was doing hard physical work. When I read his message I immediately thought to take some steaks out of the freezer to thaw them out for dinner. Unfortunately some other thought must have entered my mind before I made it to the kitchen because I left to run errands without taking out the steaks first. By the time I got home again it was too late for the steaks to thaw and, since I had also put off getting toilet paper until we were completely out, we ended up going out together to pick it up and pick up some other essential things at the same time. Because we were out and the steaks were still in the freezer, my husband grabbed some fast food to curb his hunger pains and when we got home I pulled out the steaks to thaw for tomorrow instead. I dared suggest that he should have taken the steaks out in the morning before he left for work but he took my comment in the playful spirit in which it was intended and only bent me over the arm of the couch for a few smacks on the seat of my jeans, LOL.
I don't know if my husband is upset and angry at me for not getting errands done earlier in the day but I decided not to mention the trip for the video games and the trips to Goodwill that I had managed to accomplish. I did show him a toolbox I found for him at Goodwill and he was as excited about it as I was but he did not ask me what else I got and I did not volunteer any further information. I am thinking that because I had the money and did not use money he deposited into the bank account for bills I shouldn't be in trouble for spending the money today but it is his comment about not needing any more video games that has me a bit worried.
Because he has gone to bed and I am still up worrying, I won't have an opportunity to talk to him about it until tomorrow and that certainly is not the way to say "Happy Valentine's Day" so I might neglect to mention it. It is not lying to keep the truth to myself and yet it tends to weigh on me when I am concerned that I may have made another unnecessary purchase instead of spending the money more wisely. I was supposed to sort through the bills over the weekend and make bill payments today but that chore has moved to my list for tomorrow because if I start going through bills now I will never get to sleep.
Thankfully I am a bargain shopper because a $20 spending spree is far easier to recover from than a $200 spending spree! As long as we have enough money to pay the bills it shouldn't be a problem that I spent money on video games, even though they are not a necessary purchase like toilet paper. I think that what is bothering me now is that it feels as if I am being dishonest by keeping information from the person who most deserves my honesty. The thought that my husband might spank me for it does not worry me as much as the feeling that I have done something wrong and shameful. Guilt is a terrible stressor for me.
What I want most is for my husband to love me and want to be with me. I want him to have confidence in me and find me trustworthy. Perhaps the issue is that I am worried that I can't be trusted when I do things that are wrong or feel dishonest somehow. I don't want to feel shame about the choices I make because I want more than anything to be a good person. One of the wonderful things about being in a Domestic Discipline relationship is that I don't have to wonder what sort of passive aggressive games my HOH is playing because if he has an issue with something I have done he will make his disapproval known so I don't have to wonder what he is thinking. The only way for him to be direct with me is for me to be direct with him and to trust him enough to be completely open with him, especially when I am in doubt about something I have done.
So, I am not sure how I will bring up the video game purchase but I do know that I will need to come clean and tell him or I won't be able to live with the deception. He may be upset with me or he may not be upset with me but unless I tell him I won't ever know and it is the wondering that makes me crazy and keeps me awake at night. Maybe I will wait until after he finds the heart shaped chocolate cake in his lunchbox and I can tell him how much I love him. ;)
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
Bargains Are Not In My Budget!
I have been distracted by life events so this is my first post for the new year. I have some catching up to do with comments that I just moderated (unless a comment is disrespectful I post it but I have my settings set up to prevent people from posting rude comments that are not helpful to me or anyone else) so I will be getting to those as I have the chance to respond. My husband insisted that I post today and that I make an effort to post weekly because it seems I have a way with words that allows me to express things other people may be thinking but are not able to put into words the same way. I tend to think of my thoughts as being private and not something to share but the fact that I have over 20 followers to my blog would indicate that there are other people who want to know my thoughts. My fifth grade teacher told me I should be a writer but I am sure she had no idea I would be using my writing skills to write a spanking blog one day! LOL I have been told I should write a book so maybe I will start by writing spanking stories someday so I can use my talent for an income, if there is a market for spanking stories the way there is an interest in spanking blogs.
We got a Wii for Christmas now that the price has come down, which usually happens when new technology comes out to replace older technology. We have wanted to buy a Wii since they first came out but with the cost of the system and then the added cost of the games, it was not something we could afford so we continued with our older game systems and put off buying a Wii until the price was more affordable. As a result, I was able to buy a couple of used Wii systems with game bundles on Craig's List and then sell the extra Wii for more games so we already have a game system with a huge number of accessories and a game library of 50+ games, all for about $250. I am a bargain shopper so I love getting a good deal on things we would not otherwise be able to afford.
Another place for bargains is FreeCycle and I was able to get two non-working DS Lite game systems for free so I figured I would take them apart and fix them myself to get a working one. I spoke to someone about what could be wrong with them and I watched tutorials on YouTube to learn how to take the systems apart. I grabbed the set of precision screwdrivers and went to work, only to discover that special tools are required. Not one to give up easily, I searched Craig's List to find out what it would cost to have someone with the necessary tools fix one DS with parts from other other and in the process I found a DS Lite with 11 games and accessories for $100. Considering that the cost of the used games alone made the bundle worth buying, I made the decision to spend $100 from our bill budget with the thought that I would sell something to make up the difference and not have to discuss the purchase with my husband. I knew this bargain was going to go fast and I am a bit impulsive already when it comes to decision making so I withdrew the money from the bank and bought it without a word about it to my husband.
All seemed well until I went to transfer money to pay the mortgage and ended up $.09 short. Yes, I was less than a dime away from making the house payment but the bank would have kicked in an overdraft fee to cover it and that would have thrown my budget off even more. I knew I needed to deposit money into the account to make up for the money I spent but I thought I had the mortgage payment covered. Apparently a few trips to Goodwill on a Saturday afternoon also contributed to blowing my budget so I was short more than I had figured. I knew I could come up with a dime to deposit in the account in time for the mortgage payment to clear and avoid the overdraft fee but then I discovered that two other bills were also due and I needed to come up with the money to cover them fast because I had spent the bill money on a luxury item instead. I stayed up all night wondering what to do to solve the problem I got myself into and worrying that I might need to confide in my husband for help.
It is not unusual for me to have sleepless nights when I am trying to come up with a solution to a problem. It seems my life is on hold until I fix the problem and I can't fall asleep while thinking through my options. It just so happened that I needed to take my husband to work in the morning so I could use the car during the day and he asked me why I had not slept. I don't know how I thought I could get away with spending money from the bill budget and replacing it without him being any wiser because I have a terrible guilty conscience and he can always tell when something is wrong. I also can't lie when confronted with questions, especially if the questions are direct enough that a half truth does not put off further questions. Naturally I admitted what I had done, knowing I would be in trouble.
When I am in trouble it is always fair and right so there is no question that I deserve to be punished. Quite often my husband gives me the benefit of taking other factors into consideration so he is very merciful and not quick to spank for anything other than willful disobedience. This was very much a situation where I knew that I had done something wrong and I had intended to keep him from knowing the truth about what I had done. The dishonesty was bad enough but I also violated his trust by spending money on something other than what he was trusting me to spend the money on when his paycheck was deposited in the bank account. We were already short financially this month because he had to take off four days for a required class and another four days during a storm that had roads closed between our home and his work (no one else could make it in either so there would not have been any work if he had been able to make the drive) so our budget did not have any room for surplus spending this month. As exciting as it is to get a bargain on something, it is not an option when the money needs to go to essentials. I know this logically but somehow I was not thinking logically when I made the decision to spend $100 plus gas money without talking to my husband about it first. He does not seem to lose the ability to think rationally like I do so it is usually best to discuss such things and get his approval because then if it ends up being a mistake he owns it and not me.
When I am going to get a spanking, I don't want time to think about it for too long because the anticipation causes me to become too nervous and my mind works overtime trying to figure out a way to get out of it. Because we needed to leave so my husband could get to work on time, the spanking was put off until after work. Then after work there were other things that needed to be taken care of and before he could catch up with me I had managed to lie down and fall asleep. The sleep deprivation had caught up with me and the stress of anticipation along with the stress of getting other things accomplished had pushed me to my limit physically so I was getting dizzy and thought I would lie down to regain my balance. The next thing I knew my husband was going to bed ("early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and wise" or at least it is necessary for him to make a living in his line of work) and I had to leave for choir rehearsal so the spanking was put off for another day. Somewhere in my mind I was relieved that there was a chance that by the next day he would forget and I would get out of the spanking but that did not happen.
When it was time for my spanking I put it off for as long as possible but when my husband says "come here" there is no way out at that point. He does not spank in anger and he is always fair so I am not afraid of being spanked, I just don't want to have to go through with it. I know that if I were not spanked for misbehavior there would be no limit to the trouble I would get myself in because I am the kind of person who needs to have limits set and enforced for me to be my best. Without consequences or with the ability to get away with avoiding consequences my life becomes unmanageable. For me, corporal punishment has always worked while other forms of behavior modification allow me to think my way around taking accountability for my actions. It is very important for my moral development that I am held accountable for willful disobedience because I sometimes lack the self discipline to keep myself from making hurtful choices. Although I don't like being spanked, I desperately need to be spanked for my own good. I know this in my head and in my heart but my body is sometimes reluctant to submit to a spanking when I know it is going to hurt.
My husband spanked me harder and longer than usual so it was definitely uncomfortable. He only used his hand but his huge carpenter's hands are so hard that he can have as much impact with an open hand as with a paddle, especially when he uses full force. He tends to hold back a bit with a paddle because he does not have to strike as hard but his intent was to spank me hard and that is exactly what he did. My bottom hurt and it was overwhelming in the moment but the physical pain resides before the emotional pain subsides. For me the physical pain is needed for me to forgive myself and move on because otherwise I tend to use self-punishment that is far more detrimental to my overall well being. Once the spanking is over, the offense is forgiven and there will be no grudges as we move forward. I learn from my mistake and the spanking lasts as a reminder of the consequence of my irresponsible choice. It keeps me from making myself crazy wanting to go back and fix something that is done because the price is paid and there is no need to make further amends. If my mind tries to convince me to repeat the mistake, my body will protest.
After I am spanked to tears, my husband holds me and tells me how much he loves me. He did give me a stern lecture after spanking me almost to tears and then he put me back over his knee and spanked me to tears. When the spanking is over he is no longer stern with me and I am forgiven. It is completely up to him to decide how hard and how long I am to be spanked while I submit to his judgment. In the moment I don't think I can take any more and I just want the spanking to end but the sting fades pretty quickly once it is over. There may be some bruising and soreness afterwards but it is nothing compared to the time spent over his knee getting the full impact of his hand on my bare bottom. There is no warm-up and it is painful, but it is the pain that reaches my inner being more effectively than words. It is hard to describe just how cleansing a spanking is to those who have not experienced it.
I am not what some would call a "pain slut" because spanking is not erotic for me. There are playful "spankings" that are like love pats and might be a form of sexual foreplay (especially when there is also rubbing between swats) but discipline spankings are not sexual in any way. There is such a huge difference that it amazes me that people can confuse the two. A playful "spanking" is like oral sex because it can stimulate blood flow to the genitals while a discipline spanking creates such overwhelming sensations that it is as sexually unstimulating as if someone were attempting to remove the genitals with their teeth instead of teasing them with their tongue. It is the difference between "don't stop, that feels good" and "STOP, that hurts!" with a playful "spanking" causing increased desire and a discipline spanking causing immediate remorse. My husband enjoys looking at my bottom and he likes giving it a light smack from time to time and I enjoy it when he does that but there is nothing pleasant about a discipline spanking other than a means to reach a state of remorse and forgiveness for a real transgression.
The spanking I got last night is not something I would want to repeat so it has effectively changed my behavior for the better. I will not be spending bill money on anything other than bills! I am certain it will not be my last spanking ever because I am human and prone to making mistakes, but I know for certain that if I were to make the same mistake I have already been spanked for I would be spanked even longer and harder to make sure the message gets through. One spanking is usually all it takes for me to change my ways.
We got a Wii for Christmas now that the price has come down, which usually happens when new technology comes out to replace older technology. We have wanted to buy a Wii since they first came out but with the cost of the system and then the added cost of the games, it was not something we could afford so we continued with our older game systems and put off buying a Wii until the price was more affordable. As a result, I was able to buy a couple of used Wii systems with game bundles on Craig's List and then sell the extra Wii for more games so we already have a game system with a huge number of accessories and a game library of 50+ games, all for about $250. I am a bargain shopper so I love getting a good deal on things we would not otherwise be able to afford.
Another place for bargains is FreeCycle and I was able to get two non-working DS Lite game systems for free so I figured I would take them apart and fix them myself to get a working one. I spoke to someone about what could be wrong with them and I watched tutorials on YouTube to learn how to take the systems apart. I grabbed the set of precision screwdrivers and went to work, only to discover that special tools are required. Not one to give up easily, I searched Craig's List to find out what it would cost to have someone with the necessary tools fix one DS with parts from other other and in the process I found a DS Lite with 11 games and accessories for $100. Considering that the cost of the used games alone made the bundle worth buying, I made the decision to spend $100 from our bill budget with the thought that I would sell something to make up the difference and not have to discuss the purchase with my husband. I knew this bargain was going to go fast and I am a bit impulsive already when it comes to decision making so I withdrew the money from the bank and bought it without a word about it to my husband.
All seemed well until I went to transfer money to pay the mortgage and ended up $.09 short. Yes, I was less than a dime away from making the house payment but the bank would have kicked in an overdraft fee to cover it and that would have thrown my budget off even more. I knew I needed to deposit money into the account to make up for the money I spent but I thought I had the mortgage payment covered. Apparently a few trips to Goodwill on a Saturday afternoon also contributed to blowing my budget so I was short more than I had figured. I knew I could come up with a dime to deposit in the account in time for the mortgage payment to clear and avoid the overdraft fee but then I discovered that two other bills were also due and I needed to come up with the money to cover them fast because I had spent the bill money on a luxury item instead. I stayed up all night wondering what to do to solve the problem I got myself into and worrying that I might need to confide in my husband for help.
It is not unusual for me to have sleepless nights when I am trying to come up with a solution to a problem. It seems my life is on hold until I fix the problem and I can't fall asleep while thinking through my options. It just so happened that I needed to take my husband to work in the morning so I could use the car during the day and he asked me why I had not slept. I don't know how I thought I could get away with spending money from the bill budget and replacing it without him being any wiser because I have a terrible guilty conscience and he can always tell when something is wrong. I also can't lie when confronted with questions, especially if the questions are direct enough that a half truth does not put off further questions. Naturally I admitted what I had done, knowing I would be in trouble.
When I am in trouble it is always fair and right so there is no question that I deserve to be punished. Quite often my husband gives me the benefit of taking other factors into consideration so he is very merciful and not quick to spank for anything other than willful disobedience. This was very much a situation where I knew that I had done something wrong and I had intended to keep him from knowing the truth about what I had done. The dishonesty was bad enough but I also violated his trust by spending money on something other than what he was trusting me to spend the money on when his paycheck was deposited in the bank account. We were already short financially this month because he had to take off four days for a required class and another four days during a storm that had roads closed between our home and his work (no one else could make it in either so there would not have been any work if he had been able to make the drive) so our budget did not have any room for surplus spending this month. As exciting as it is to get a bargain on something, it is not an option when the money needs to go to essentials. I know this logically but somehow I was not thinking logically when I made the decision to spend $100 plus gas money without talking to my husband about it first. He does not seem to lose the ability to think rationally like I do so it is usually best to discuss such things and get his approval because then if it ends up being a mistake he owns it and not me.
When I am going to get a spanking, I don't want time to think about it for too long because the anticipation causes me to become too nervous and my mind works overtime trying to figure out a way to get out of it. Because we needed to leave so my husband could get to work on time, the spanking was put off until after work. Then after work there were other things that needed to be taken care of and before he could catch up with me I had managed to lie down and fall asleep. The sleep deprivation had caught up with me and the stress of anticipation along with the stress of getting other things accomplished had pushed me to my limit physically so I was getting dizzy and thought I would lie down to regain my balance. The next thing I knew my husband was going to bed ("early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and wise" or at least it is necessary for him to make a living in his line of work) and I had to leave for choir rehearsal so the spanking was put off for another day. Somewhere in my mind I was relieved that there was a chance that by the next day he would forget and I would get out of the spanking but that did not happen.
When it was time for my spanking I put it off for as long as possible but when my husband says "come here" there is no way out at that point. He does not spank in anger and he is always fair so I am not afraid of being spanked, I just don't want to have to go through with it. I know that if I were not spanked for misbehavior there would be no limit to the trouble I would get myself in because I am the kind of person who needs to have limits set and enforced for me to be my best. Without consequences or with the ability to get away with avoiding consequences my life becomes unmanageable. For me, corporal punishment has always worked while other forms of behavior modification allow me to think my way around taking accountability for my actions. It is very important for my moral development that I am held accountable for willful disobedience because I sometimes lack the self discipline to keep myself from making hurtful choices. Although I don't like being spanked, I desperately need to be spanked for my own good. I know this in my head and in my heart but my body is sometimes reluctant to submit to a spanking when I know it is going to hurt.
My husband spanked me harder and longer than usual so it was definitely uncomfortable. He only used his hand but his huge carpenter's hands are so hard that he can have as much impact with an open hand as with a paddle, especially when he uses full force. He tends to hold back a bit with a paddle because he does not have to strike as hard but his intent was to spank me hard and that is exactly what he did. My bottom hurt and it was overwhelming in the moment but the physical pain resides before the emotional pain subsides. For me the physical pain is needed for me to forgive myself and move on because otherwise I tend to use self-punishment that is far more detrimental to my overall well being. Once the spanking is over, the offense is forgiven and there will be no grudges as we move forward. I learn from my mistake and the spanking lasts as a reminder of the consequence of my irresponsible choice. It keeps me from making myself crazy wanting to go back and fix something that is done because the price is paid and there is no need to make further amends. If my mind tries to convince me to repeat the mistake, my body will protest.
After I am spanked to tears, my husband holds me and tells me how much he loves me. He did give me a stern lecture after spanking me almost to tears and then he put me back over his knee and spanked me to tears. When the spanking is over he is no longer stern with me and I am forgiven. It is completely up to him to decide how hard and how long I am to be spanked while I submit to his judgment. In the moment I don't think I can take any more and I just want the spanking to end but the sting fades pretty quickly once it is over. There may be some bruising and soreness afterwards but it is nothing compared to the time spent over his knee getting the full impact of his hand on my bare bottom. There is no warm-up and it is painful, but it is the pain that reaches my inner being more effectively than words. It is hard to describe just how cleansing a spanking is to those who have not experienced it.
I am not what some would call a "pain slut" because spanking is not erotic for me. There are playful "spankings" that are like love pats and might be a form of sexual foreplay (especially when there is also rubbing between swats) but discipline spankings are not sexual in any way. There is such a huge difference that it amazes me that people can confuse the two. A playful "spanking" is like oral sex because it can stimulate blood flow to the genitals while a discipline spanking creates such overwhelming sensations that it is as sexually unstimulating as if someone were attempting to remove the genitals with their teeth instead of teasing them with their tongue. It is the difference between "don't stop, that feels good" and "STOP, that hurts!" with a playful "spanking" causing increased desire and a discipline spanking causing immediate remorse. My husband enjoys looking at my bottom and he likes giving it a light smack from time to time and I enjoy it when he does that but there is nothing pleasant about a discipline spanking other than a means to reach a state of remorse and forgiveness for a real transgression.
The spanking I got last night is not something I would want to repeat so it has effectively changed my behavior for the better. I will not be spending bill money on anything other than bills! I am certain it will not be my last spanking ever because I am human and prone to making mistakes, but I know for certain that if I were to make the same mistake I have already been spanked for I would be spanked even longer and harder to make sure the message gets through. One spanking is usually all it takes for me to change my ways.
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