This summer has been busier than usual with so many life changes taking place all at once. I won't bore you all with the details about the daily distractions that have resulted in my neglecting my blog for many months but I will say that keeping up with a newly started blog did not make the priority list. I did not think anyone would miss reading my thoughts while I attended to more important things. Now I am back to share my most recent thoughts.
My last spankings were related and unfortunately a case of the message not sinking in deep enough during the first spanking. My husband even said during the scolding that accompanied the first spanking that the next time this behavior happened he would use the paddle and at that time my sincere thought was that there would not be a next time. I am usually better at changing my ways without a need for further reinforcement.
The reason I needed discipline was my unfortunate inability to resist temptation when it came to reading instant messages that were not sent to me but were between my husband and someone else. He had logged into Yahoo using my laptop computer and he forgot to log out. He has done this many times in the past and on several occasions I had the fleeting thought that I could read his instant messages and even his e-mail messages but because I trust him I had not violated his trust by doing so on those occasions. It turns out my husband is more trustworthy than me when it comes to respecting privacy because, instead of logging him out of his account like I usually do under the circumstances, I ended up violating his right to privacy by reading his messages. There was nothing there that was truly private since he had already shared with me the nature of his conversations and who they were with so all my snooping did was to affirm that he was being honest with me and that only made my dishonesty towards him feel even worse.
Soon after I violated my husband's privacy I ended up confessing to ease my guilty conscience. I knew that I would be spanked and I was spanked to his satisfaction so all was well afterwards. The comment about using the paddle the "next time" seemed unnecessary because I was sure he would be less trusting of me and therefore more cautious about logging out of his account so the temptation would not be there again. I was also certain that should he be careless about protecting his own privacy I would not have the desire to violate it again. I was wrong in more ways than one.
Just a short week later, after the effects of the first spanking wore off, my husband neglected to log out of Yahoo again and the thought again crossed my mind that it allowed me the potential to read his private instant messages. I had the follow up thought that it was not a good idea and yet there I was reading his messages again just because the opportunity was there in front of me. I consider myself an honest person and I consider reading someone's private messages to be dishonest so how I convinced myself to do it a second time is a mystery to me. I think that the "what he does not know won't hurt me" thought crossed my mind and I must have bought into it long enough to think I would get away with it. The thought got me through the act of being dishonest a second time but then the guilty feelings hit and I knew I had made a mistake.
Knowing I would get the paddle this time actually allowed me to convince myself for a time that I should not tell my husband what I had done and only confess if he discovered it on his own. We were so busy with other things that I avoided him as much as possible but I apparently looked guilty enough for my sister to ask what was wrong while she was helping out with a yard sale. When we had some time alone I told her what I had done and I shared with her the consequences of my actions if my husband were to know what I had done. My sister is spanked by her husband (they have a master/slave relationship that I don't fully understand but we have enough in common that we can talk to each other about being spanked) and she knows how much I hate the paddle so she sympathized with me in my predicament. She also knew that the only choice I had to make was when I was going to tell my husband because not telling him was only going to make it worse, both mentally leading up to the punishment and physically when he learned that I had been hiding it from him. I agreed with her advice that it would be best to get it over with as soon as possible because it was going to come up eventually. She would not tell on me but she knew that I could not cover the shame for long and that confessing would help me clear my guilty conscience.
I ended up telling my husband that evening. I had secretly hoped that his being exhausted from doing a yard sale all day would soften my punishment but a paddle is hard no matter how tired he may be when using it on my bare bottom. It is hard enough to find words to admit to a wrongdoing the first time but when it is a repeat of a behavior I have already been disciplined for it is even harder to admit that I was overcome by temptation a second time. As a Christian it does not surprise my husband that I would give into temptation but I am sure that he is also disappointed when I fail to learn to avoid repeating a past mistake. I am glad to report that I have not made this same mistake again and that this took place several months ago.
My husband still trusts me and I still consider myself a trustworthy person but I fear I am capable of making the same mistake again if I am not careful. I sometimes think that I can get away with doing something I know better than doing or that it will be worth the punishment for doing it but then I remember what a painful spanking feels like and I am not so easily convinced. I want to do what is right just for the sake of it and yet I don't always make the right choice when faced with overwhelming temptations. For me, knowing I will be spanked for wrong choices helps tip the scale in favor of my being the type of person I want to be rather than acting on impulse and doing whatever I want. Being spanked also helps me release the guilt of making mistakes so I can start fresh and not allow the shame of guilt to cripple me or hold me captive.
I can't imagine how couples who don't use spanking would handle such a situation. The confession took a great weight off my conscience but without the spanking I might still have ended up thinking it was worth it in the end and that thought is a much bigger problem for me. I know that without physical consequences I am less likely to challenge those thoughts that lead me to believe that I can get away with doing something wrong. I have done things impulsively in the past that have resulted in patterns of behavior that took years to correct so putting a stop to thinking I can get away with something has been most helpful for me. Knowing that the punishment will catch up with me helps me think about the negative consequences of wrong choices rather than going with the initial impulse that leads me astray.
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