It is not hard for me to regret a mistake but a reaching a deeper sense of remorse can more difficult.
I repeated a mistake I have made in the past because it is easy for me to justify my actions and to avoid consequences. I frequently shop at second hand stores and on occasion, when I don't have enough money, I take something without paying for it. Everything in the store has been donated so it does not cost the store anything, also they throw away so many items that they never miss the few things I have taken. Still, in my conscience I know that it is stealing and that stealing is wrong. I also know that if I were caught, I would face criminal charges and my family would suffer negative consequences as a result. Unfortunately it is so easy to get away with stealing that I don't consider just how risky my behavior is while I am doing it. Afterwards I realize that I have taken an unnecessary risk but because it is like reverse gambling where I win rather than lose, there is an addictive aspect to shoplifting.
I know that the only way for me to break this bad habit is to have negative consequences in place that will help me avoid doing what I know is wrong. Spanking is usually a good motivator for me but unfortunately I have repeated this behavior, even after being spanked for it. Typically being spanked causes me to feel a sense of regret but I don't seem to feel the remorse that would make spanking a less desirable outcome than stealing.
On Saturday I took an item from a second hand store that would have cost $3.99 plus tax if I had paid for it. It fit easily in my pocket and I was able to pocket it without being noticed, which is not hard to do when store employees are not very attune to loss prevention. It is something I have been searching for specifically for many months so I was glad to have found it. If money had not been an issue, I would have paid for it instead of taking it without paying for it. It is something I will use frequently and could not have afforded to purchase new so the temptation to take it was greater than the internal conflict created when I contemplate doing something I know is wrong.
The guilt tends to build over time for me, once the thrill of getting away with shoplifting has subsided and the rush is gone. It was my guilty conscience that lead me to confess my guilt to my husband Saturday night. I tried explaining my actions in a way that I thought would gain his support of my behavior, even though I knew that what I did was wrong. I figured that if he supported my decision to take the item then I would not need to debate the issue in my mind any longer. He was just falling asleep so I did not think there was much threat of getting spanked right then if he decided that is what was needed. Also, there was a chance that he was sleepy enough that by morning he would forget what I had told him and I would be off the hook.
To my surprise, my husband responded by telling me to close the bedroom window. I asked if he thought it was getting too cold to leave it open at night and he said it was so no one would hear me getting spanked. I managed to convince him that he needed his sleep more than I needed to be spanked right then, which allowed me to put it off and to think I would get out of it if he were to forget. The next morning I thought he had forgotten because he did not bring it up and I did not dare mention it.
Before we headed for church on Sunday morning I made a disrespectful comment and he said that I already had one coming and asked if I was trying to add more to it. That was when I realized he had not forgotten about the spanking like I had thought. At least he did not have time then to spank me before we went to church and there was always a chance I could still get out of the spanking. Comments he made throughout the day made it clear that his CRS (Can't Remember Shit) was in remission and I was in trouble.
We went to the fair after church on Sunday and while wandering around in the pavilion there was a vendor selling sandstone and mink oil guaranteed to soften even a carpenter's rough hands. My husband has hands of steel with the texture of leather so a hand spanking can be severe enough to make implements unnecessary. I suggested he give the miracle cure a try and the woman who gave us the sales pitch thought I was suggesting it because I was concerned about holding his rough hand. It made us laugh because we both knew that I had a spanking coming and I was hoping this hand treatment would soften the feel of his rough hand on my bottom, LOL.
We stayed at the fair longer than we planned so it was late when we got home. Since my husband goes to work early in the mornings he has to get to bed early at night while I stay up and make his lunch and set the coffee pot for the morning. I thought he was heading to bed when he closed the living room window behind the couch. Instead he told me to "come here" and I knew what was coming then. I tried to stall and put it off another day but he had already decided what was to be done so disobedience would only make the spanking worse. I had put it off as long as possible and he had not forgotten.
I respect my husband so in all honesty I would have been more disappointed if he had not taken care of the issue than I was with the prospect of getting the spanking I deserved. There is always apprehension when going over his knee because I know it is going to hurt but I also trust him to be fair so I submit to his authority. I got one set of hard swats, a brief reprieve during scolding, and then another set of hard swats. All I could think about was how much it hurt and how much I did not want to steal again. My bottom was tender when he held me and told me he loved me. There is no doubt I was spanked soundly, as he is a very effective spanker, but I was not bruised and the effects did not last overnight so I am not feeling any soreness today.
What concerns me now is that last night I was thinking it was not worth it but today I am thinking that it was worth it after all. I think that my avoidance of the spanking when I was in a state of regret did not allow me to reach a state of remorse from the spanking. The guilt that leads to confession seems to get pushed from my mind when there is a delay between the overwhelming feelings of guilt and the overwhelming discomfort of a spanking. It seems that to be truly effective the mental and physical have to come together at the same time or I don't gain the full impact of the punishment. Somehow in seeking to avoid the spanking, I was able to avoid feelings of accountability during the spanking since time had allowed me to distance myself from my emotions.
My husband did not spank me as severely as he could have done because he is very capable of causing bruising that lasts a week and makes sitting a painful reminder. This could have been because the price of the item I stole was minor and it was from a second hand store, which is how I am able to minimize the behavior when I shoplift. It could have been because he was tired and wanted to take care of business as effortlessly as possible before heading to bed. It could have been because he had other things on his mind (we were intimate immediately following the spanking). I am grateful that I am not sore today and that he did not mark me because those things are not essential for me to learn my lesson. However, what seems to be missing is that I did not reach a mental state of remorse that would help me avoid repeating a mistake I have already repeated on a number of occasions.
In the past I have had a serious problem with shoplifting so there has been a definite improvement. Where I still struggle is with my thinking that it is not a big deal when I take things from second hand stores. When the thought to take something enters my mind I want to be able to think it is not worth it so I won't be so tempted again. I want to remember how painful the consequences will be if I were to do it again so I won't do it again. I am ashamed that I have this problem and I want to do whatever it takes to fix the problem so I won't put myself at risk of getting arrested and having criminal charges on my record.
I don't know if spanking as a consequence will cure me of this problem but it has helped me in other areas of my life. I know that if I were in Eve's position in the Garden of Eden I would have sinned and eaten the apple just as she did so I have no doubt that I need to submit to a HOH who will keep me accountable. I have always been considered "difficult" and even "rebellious" because I push limits and cross the line. I don't expect my husband to "cure" me of this sinful nature but I want to be held accountable and I need to be punished for my own good. This knowledge is what leads me to confess my sins and submit to authority for punishment when it is deserved.
I don't know what it would take for me to feel more remorseful for taking this item from a second hand store. Part of my submission is to trust my HOH to determine an appropriate punishment so I can let go of the guilt and not punish myself endlessly for something I can't go back in time to correct. I need his forgiveness when I do wrong so I can forgive myself rather than to hide my guilt and shame where it tears me apart inside. When he spanks me, my offense is acknowledged and when the spanking is over he forgives and forgets so I am able do the same. What worries me is that I lack the remorse that would prevent me from repeating the behavior so I will very likely end up stealing again.
Redhead,
ReplyDeleteI think there are a couple of things missing here that you may need to get you to stop. The first is a real sense of how wrong what you are doing is. If you think that it's okay because certain conditions make it okay, then you will always excuse yourself for doing this.
The other thing is that you need a way to directly connect the punishment to your behavior, so that when you have the impulse to take something, the memory of the punishment will step in and help you behave.
What you did was wrong. First of all, you don't get to decide whether the shop needs the money or not. The fact that they may not have paid for the item (which may or may not be true, depending on how they actually stock things) is irrelevant. The cost of the item isn't the only expense.
And, in any case, you were dishonest and cheated them. This includes all the workers that work there, because their pay comes out of what people pay for the products. Can you look any of them in the face knowing what you did to them?
Perhaps you need to spend more time thinking through the implications of what you are doing. If you did that without trying to make excuses for yourself, then perhaps you would get a sense of how bad this kind of behavior is. I'm lecturing you a little on it now because I know that it will make you think a little more deeply about it.
So, you need to talk with your husband and tell him that you need additional help on this. That help would be to require you to do the following: You will need to take the product back and pay for it. I don't want to hear any excuses like, "Well, I've used it up." In that case, you'll need to buy one new at a store and take it around so that you can pay what you owe the original store. Or, take the package back empty and just pay for it. (You may have to fill it with water so they don't notice the difference.)
Since you were able to sneak it out without their noticing, then it should be easy enough to take it back in without their noticing and just pay for it. You still owe them the money. Until you go pay for it, you've still stolen it.
If I were your husband I guarantee you you'd show up and pay for the item, and you'd have a very sore bottom while you were paying them so that it sunk in what exactly you're supposed to do. You'd get your spanking right before getting in the car to go there.
I'm not going to suggest that you confess to the store owner. Unless that's what you need to change your ways. I suspect that if you know that you are going to be made to pay for it anyway, just with a sore bottom to boot, that you'll simply pay for it in the first place.
So, if you want a method that will cure you of this bad habit, I suggest he put this into practice with the current situation. I'd hate to think what would happen if you got caught and they held you for the police. If you think a sore bottom and having to pay for it anyway is a bad punishment, then compare that with a trip to the offices of the local police!
Hi Redbottomed-Redhead
ReplyDeleteI was directed to this blog from Spank Her 4 Real. I wanted to say 'Hi' and give you a hug from one spanked wife to another. It would be good to be able to write to you if you were willing??
Janice x
I think what "Rich Person" said was a good comment. I can see where a spanking may not be enough to make you feel remorse and stop you from doing it again. Unfortunately, and I hope it doesn't happen, but getting caught may be what it takes. The humiliation you would feel and the consequences that go with it would definitely be what it takes to stop you from doing it again. To save yourself from all that the best thing to do is to realize this first and not do it again. Believe me, getting caught is so humiliating you won't want to come out of your house for a week! Maybe if your husband, when he talks to you about this, were to tell you how it makes him feel when you do this and it made you feel like you were disappointing him to, maybe that would be a good start in not doing it again. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteRich,
ReplyDeleteI want to thank you for your comment since it was obviously well thought out and contained good advice. The "lecture" was deserved on my part and I thank you for your concern for my wellbeing. With the increased shopping this time of year I have been sorely tempted to steal from second hand stores but I have been able to control my impulses knowing that if I were to be dishonest again I would need to promptly admit it and make ammends with a punished bottom. I have not stolen anything but I have done some item swapping when there were two sets of items at the same price but each set contained an item I wanted. Instead of buying both sets I did repackage them so the two items I wanted were together in one set and the two items I did not want were together in another set. I made sure the items were priced the same before doing the swap so I don't think it was dishonest of me. I am curious if you would agree, though. I would not do this in a retail store but for some reason I have a different code of ethics when it comes to second hand shopping. This is something I am working on because I want to be an honest and respectable person.
Ember
I guess I don't have as strong a reaction to your repackaging the items because you say they were of equal value. But I do have to wonder whether they were equally likely to be bought by someone else. A lot of times these things are packaged together because the store owner knows that one of them won't sell as many items as the other and they try to balance their stock. So, strictly speaking, you are still cheating the owner if you repackage them. But I think this is such a minor infraction that no one is likely to care about it.
ReplyDeleteThis does make me wonder why you have a "different code of ethics when it comes to second hand shopping". Why are they less important than people with new merchandise?
What would you think if you owned the store and someone came in and pulled items out of different packages and put them together to buy? Would you feel cheated? I think that if you turn the situation around so that you are the one on the other side of it it helps to evaluate whether what you are doing is wrong.
Kim mentioned that getting caught might be what it takes to make me more honest when it comes to my shoplifting issue but unfortunately I was caught once as a teenager and, compared to the number of times I have been able to get away with it, the legal system did not offer as much of a deterrent as corporal punishment. The fact that it is so easy to get away with shoplifting makes it a reverse gambling effect where you win far more than you lose and it keeps you going back for more. When I am spanked for taking a small item from a second hand store, it is clearly not worth it and that helps me develop an aversion to shoplifting. It is also the fact that I am accountable to someone I have a personal relationship with rather than a faceless store manager who gets a paycheck regardless of my theft that works on my desire to be a good person and not do bad things just because I can. I can be too self-serving for my own good, especially when the impact of my actions are so far removed or unknown. I don't know how a store manager feels about me, and I may not even care in all honesty, but I do know how terrible it is to have my husband disappointed in me. It is having him look me in the eyes and tell me that he disapproves of my actions along with the feel of his hand spanking me that hurts more than anything else. If the legal system used corporal punishment I would be far less likely to compare the gain versus the loss and think I came out ahead based on a numerical figure. Even jail terms cost the taxpayer money, not the criminal. If getting caught shoplifting resulted in being taken in a back office and spanked without the benefit of keeping the item that was not paid for, the cost would definitely outweigh the reward and I would not want to take the risk of going through the pain and humiliation.
ReplyDeleteI think that my different code of ethics for second hand shops has to do with the fact that the item was donated by the person who owned it so the store does not have any investment in it other than potential profit. I may be stealing the ability for the store to make a profit but they have plenty of other items that they make a profit on to offset the lost profit so there is no real "cost" for the store. In a store that carries new merchandise each item has been purchased and then there is a mark-up so if I steal something new it has cost the store and the store suffers a real loss. I have seen full dumpsters behind second hand stores so I know that so much of what is donated is tossed out and that somehow adds justification to my thinking that it is not really stealing. The employees get paid the same no matter what the store makes as a profit so it is easy to think that my taking something is not hurting anyone. I know that stealing is stealing and yet it does not seem like stealing when the item was given freely by the original owner. Maybe my mind is just trying to justify bad behaviour but the thoughts are pretty persistent that no harm is done and as a result I have a harder time feeling regret or remorse about my actions.